Here’s an article I wrote on Newsthump a couple of years ago that I think still holds true.
Kinder are to investigate reports that its products may be a choking risk for its child workforce.
Toys for Kinder’s chocolate eggs are packaged by a Romanian contractor, which is alleged to be employing children young enough to choke on the small pieces.
A Kinder Egg spokesman said: “We have very strict labelling to make it clear that our toys are a choking hazard for young children.
“Obviously if one of our contractors is using children to assemble toys in our supply chain we will investigate immediately.
“We’re delighted that our contractor is offering poor Romanian children a chance to stand on their own two feet, or in the case of the youngsters, crawl.
“But we must insist on a child-friendly working environment.”
The spokesman added: “Kids love chocolate, maybe they could mix up the chocolate instead? Or wrap the eggs in the shiny, shiny foil?
“The children could then use the 22p an hour they earn to buy age-appropriate toys, or to buy food for their starving families, or whatever.”
The BBC became embroiled in a fresh row yesterday, after newsreaders were seen wearing remembrance poppies on Halloween.
Daily Mail columnist Nigel Cross wrote: “Halloween is a day when people typically put on ridiculous fancy dress.
“For example, the Mail editor Paul Dacre came to work as a red-faced, screeching banshee, while Theresa May makes a very convincing Zombie Margaret Thatcher.
“Wearing poppies on Halloween reduces them to the status of fancy dress and demeans the solemn message of the poppy – that it’s sad when people die in wars, but also really, really good when we win them.”
Mr Cross, whose newspaper is a direct rival to the BBC but always reports on them in a fair and balanced way, continued: “Wearing poppies on Halloween just shows how much the BBC hates Britain.
“It’s almost as bad as the lack of respect last year, when on 31 October – just 12 days before armistice day – BBC presenters weren’t wearing poppies at all.”
A spokeswoman for the BBC apologised profusely to anyone offended by either the wearing or non-wearing of a small red paper flower, and offered to immolate Mary Berry inside a giant wicker poppy as penance.
Proposed tests to check if MPs are talking out of their arseholes would be “invasive, humiliating and inconclusive”, according to the British Society of Proctologists.
The proposal came after Conservative MP David Davies called for dental tests to check the ages of child refugees, a demand that onlookers said seemed to come from the vicinity of Mr Davies’ anus.
Michael Mola, a dentist from Otley, said: “I’m not an expert on that end of the body, but Davies definitely seemed to be talking through his mudchute. I demand an immediate examination of all Members of Parliament.
“Some might say that invasively testing the fudgetunnel of every single MP on the basis of just my opinion would be massively unethical and inappropriate.
“But MPs are a fairly small group, demonised by the press. So collectively humiliating them all based on a few crass, uninformed generalisations would probably get strong public support.”
Proctologists are “vehemently opposed” to the proposed test, which would involve a microphone being inserted into the rectum of every Member of Parliament.
MPs would then be asked whether refugees from war-torn hellholes could be temporarily housed in one of their spare homes. The MPs’ embarrassed excuses would be recorded and tested to see which orifice they came from.
Mr Davies’ original demand for child refugee testing, roundly condemned by dentists, was believed to be inspired by jealousy of his near-namesake David Davis.
A Westminster insider said “Everyone knows David Davis as ‘that lying Brexit prick’. No-one had heard of David Davies, but now we all know him as ‘that braying prick who bullies orphaned refugees’. Publicity-wise, it’s a tremendous result for him.”
Tour de France organisers are set to spice up next year’s race by allowing riders a choice of medieval weaponry.
Defending champion Chris Froome has reportedly already selected a jousting lance, while his rivals Nairo Quintana and Adam Yates have chosen a spiked mace and a Mongolian horsebow respectively.
Pierre Velo of the Tour’s organising committee explained: “Our current audience is mostly hardcore cycling fans, and we want to expand our reach.
“Market research shows that the most popular clips of the race are those with crashes and serious injuries, so by allowing riders these tools of death we’re just delivering what the public want.”
A spokesman for Team Wingèd Vengeance (formerly Team Sky) said: “Riders know that it’s a dangerous sport, and they come into the Tour knowing they risk serious injury.
“That risk has increased somewhat, with the added element of a bloody wheel-to-wheel deathmatch, but our riders are determined to rise to the challenge and slaughter the opposition without mercy.”
Monsieur Velo said that the new rules were partly aimed at combating the scourge of drugs in cycling:
“At the moment, spectators are taking vast amounts of drugs just to try and make the race seem interesting.
“It’s 200 identical men riding identical bikes around for five hours every day for weeks on end. No-one can possibly watch that without being off their tétons.
“Arming the riders with lethal weaponry will bring back a sense of wholesome fun to the Tour, without the need for chemical enhancement.”
If the addition of weapons to the Tour are successful, Formula One is considering a similar rule change next season, aimed at bringing motorsport to the Mario Kart generation.
I wrote this spoof news article for the Newsthump website last week.
Former Labour leadership candidate Angela Eagle has announced she is to join forces with Owen Smith and campaign together under the name ‘Smeagle’.
Political analyst Andrew Marragorn said: “It’s an epic tale.
“Smeagle is driven by a burning desire to retrieve the Labour leadership, which has accidentally ended up in the hands of a mild-mannered hobbit called Bilbo Corbins.
“Corbins is one of the little people – he was never supposed to wield power like this, and he doesn’t know how to control it.
At a press conference, Eagle said: “As Smeagle, we will retain two distinct voices. Owen will frolic around gaining people’s trust, being suspiciously friendly and telling everyone what they want to hear.
“I will sneak around in the darkness, doing underhand things like registering campaign websites several days before I regretfully resign on principle.”
Eagle then hissed at the four journalists who had actually turned up, before crouching on the floor, eating a fish and muttering “fifth collum, collum, collum”.
Smith and Eagle hope to unite the centre and right wings of the Labour party under the slogan “One wing to rule them all”, while protecting the leadership from both the Dark Lord Blairon and the bloodthirsty creatures of Mor-mentum.
Should Smeagle’s campaign to unseat Corbins prove unsuccessful, a concession speech is already believed to have been drafted:
“The precious! The Corbins stole it from us! Thief! Thief! We hates it forever!!!”
People under 40, who overwhelmingly supported remaining in the EU, are today looking into the possibility of rejoining Europe ‘once all the old bastards are dead’.
Younger voters were much less likely to vote Leave, meaning they now face an isolated future they rejected, chosen for them by angry, frightened older people who won’t be around to see it.
Young person, Chantelle Wilkins (19), said: “It’s, like, totally unfair, y’know?”
“We already know what old people think about people from ethnic minorities. It’s why my boyfriend will never meet my grandma.
“Old people have given us a future we don’t want, but they’ll be long gone before Andrea Leadsom has even opened her first concentration camp.
“We’re going to have to wait ‘til the old people are all dead, then have a word with the EU to see if they’d take us back.”
Ms Wilkins added: “Honestly, it makes me wish I’d got round to actually voting. Only it was wet outside and I didn’t have the right shoes, and I wanted to watch Love Island to see who got tossed off. Tossed off the show, I mean! Hahahaha! Ha?”
Gleeful old bastard Ernest Grumbler (87) said: “This result is bloomin’ marvellous.
“I was fed up seeing all these young, happy types enjoying freedom of movement while I can’t bend down to tie my shoelaces.
“Then there’s all the foreigners, they’ve either got too many vowels in their names or not enough. It was time to do something about them.
“Now I intend to hang around a couple more years and enjoy watching everything go properly to shit, then I’ll die just before they send all my care workers back to Poland.
“I’m just happy I’ve finally got my country back. Though I’ve already put it down somewhere and can’t remember where I left it.”
A prophecy found in a medieval English Bible appears to have predicted the rise of Andrea Leadsom to Prime Minister.
The section, inserted in between several particularly gruesome bits of smiting reads:
“3 And lo! From obscurity shall a LEADER emerge, and her name shall be LEAD-SOME.
“4 She will be the anointed one, chosen by the aged and the homophobic from the Wells of Tunbridge to lead her people to freedom from the slavery of EUROPE.”
“5 And the WAVES shall part, and she shall lead her people across the Atlantic to a promised land of low wages, tax avoidance and Christian dogma.
“6 Oh, and foxhunting, for some reason.
“7 And there shall be slapping of foreheads and a time of great facepalming in the land.”
Bible scholars have expressed scepticism over the find. Reverend Ben Bland said: “It seems like a crock frankly.
“Even six months ago, imagine suggesting that by the end of 2016 we’d be leaving Europe, steered by the safe hands of Prime Minister Andrea Bloody Leadsom. It would have been laughable.
“And someone supposedly predicted it centuries back? I’m not having it.
“I mean, Leadsom could have her nasty, judgemental finger pointed at the nuclear button by autumn. The Good Lord’s taken his eye off the ball, frankly.”
The controversial passage goes on to talk about seven seals opening and some horsemen appearing, but it’s probably nothing to worry about.
Tony Blair’s former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has defended his old boss against accusations of warmongering.
Mr Campbell said: “I was one of the few people who saw the process of his making the decision close up…
“Far from seeing someone hellbent on war, I saw someone doing all he could to avoid it.”
Speaking through a spirit medium, the restless souls of a million dead Iraqis issued a response:
“We note with interest Mr Campbell’s suggestion that Mr Blair tried everything to avoid war.
“Did he at any point consider just not doing a war?
“The leaders of France, Denmark, New Zealand and Bhutan, for example, managed to avoid war by not doing a war.
“Even Germany managed to not do a war, and that’s not always a given, historically speaking.
“As his close advisor, did you ever think to say ‘We could always just not do a war, Tony’?
“What? Oh. Wooooooooo!!!”
Mr Campbell did not respond to the terrifying moans of the unavenged dead.
A source close to the former spin doctor said: “Alastair has managed to shut out the screams of dead Iraqis from his every haunted dream these last 13 years.
“He’s not about to start listening to them now.”