Experts condemn proposed ‘arsehole tests’ for MPs

Proposed tests to check if MPs are talking out of their arseholes would be “invasive, humiliating and inconclusive”, according to the British Society of Proctologists.

The proposal came after Conservative MP David Davies called for dental tests to check the ages of child refugees, a demand that onlookers said seemed to come from the vicinity of Mr Davies’ anus.

Michael Mola, a dentist from Otley, said: “I’m not an expert on that end of the body, but Davies definitely seemed to be talking through his mudchute. I demand an immediate examination of all Members of Parliament.

“Some might say that invasively testing the fudgetunnel of every single MP on the basis of just my opinion would be massively unethical and inappropriate.

“But MPs are a fairly small group, demonised by the press. So collectively humiliating them all based on a few crass, uninformed generalisations would probably get strong public support.”

Proctologists are “vehemently opposed” to the proposed test, which would involve a microphone being inserted into the rectum of every Member of Parliament.

MPs would then be asked whether refugees from war-torn hellholes could be temporarily housed in one of their spare homes. The MPs’ embarrassed excuses would be recorded and tested to see which orifice they came from.

Mr Davies’ original demand for child refugee testing, roundly condemned by dentists, was believed to be inspired by jealousy of his near-namesake David Davis.

A Westminster insider said “Everyone knows David Davis as ‘that lying Brexit prick’. No-one had heard of David Davies, but now we all know him as ‘that braying prick who bullies orphaned refugees’. Publicity-wise, it’s a tremendous result for him.”

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