Nuclear buttons to get penis-recognition feature

A new penis-recognition security feature will be added to the next generation of nuclear launch buttons, according to manufacturers.

A spokesman for Acme Doomsday, makers of apocalyptic end-user systems since 1950, said:

“The world has changed, and our products have changed with it. Strategic nuclear diplomacy has changed from an international game of chess to a game of Soggy Biscuit.

“It’s hard to imagine Eisenhower or Khruschev discussing a pre-emptive nuclear strike with their dicks out.

“But today, it’s almost inconceivable that a leader would be pressing the nuclear button without his cock in the other hand.

“Penises are as unique as fingerprints or irises, so if we’re going to be vaporised at the whim of a willy-waggling manchild, we at Acme will ensure it’s the right manchild, waggling the right willy.”

The days of a simple big red nuclear button on a leader’s desk are long gone, and penis-recognition will supplement existing security features.

These include a sensor to catch and analyse tears, and software programmed to recognise a world leader’s voice screaming the phrase “WHO’S A USELESS WASTE OF SPACE NOW, DADDY?!?”

Additional security measures were initially introduced in 1983, after Ronald Reagan was found resting a coffee mug on his launch button.

A subsequent CIA report found that an extra spoonful of sugar in Reagan’s morning brew would have added enough weight to obliterate Stockholm.

When asked what would happen if a female leader wanted to plunge the world into radioactive hell to assuage a minor bruise to a fragile ego, the Acme spokesman said the company was “not considering that possibility”.

The new penis-enabled nuclear buttons will be in use from 2019, assuming we make it that far.

NHS demands full family history ‘to prevent blood mingling’

Hospitals are introducing stringent new identity checks, with patients asked to prove the nationality of all four grandparents before treatment.

The move is aimed at preventing anyone who is even a bit foreign from being treated at a British hospital and potentially receiving a transfusion of pure British blood.

A Health Department official said: “People turn up at hospitals with their leg hanging off or whatever, but what happens if their grandmother was Italian?

“That leg could be an Italian leg, and giving a fully British transfusion would dilute our national bloodline. What would the soldiers who fought at Monte Cassino say?”

“Then there’s maternity. If we don’t know who’s being born here, we could end up putting pure British blood into a part-foreign child.

“No, these so-called expectant mothers can dig a pit and fill it with moss and give birth there, like I assume their grandparents in some godforsaken un-British hole did.”

In a separate development, Muslims and Jews will be asked to identify themselves in hospitals by wearing armbands with crescents or stars sewn on, and will receive transfusions from separate blood banks.

An NHS spokesman described the move as “not at all sinister or Hitlery, just an extension of our existing transfusion policy for Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Anti-discrimination campaigner and leftie luvvie wuss Samantha Softie said: “This is appalling. Hospitals are supposed to treat people according to need, not nationality.

“Besides, under these plans barely any NHS employees would actually be eligible for treatment in their own hospitals.”

The Health Department official responded by narrowing her eyes, writing a name on a piece of paper and muttering: “Sounds like shifty foreigner talk…”

Kinder Egg toys ‘may be choking hazard’ for child workforce

Kinder are to investigate reports that its products may be a choking risk for its child workforce.

Toys for Kinder’s chocolate eggs are packaged by a Romanian contractor, which is alleged to be employing children young enough to choke on the small pieces.

A Kinder Egg spokesman said: “We have very strict labelling to make it clear that our toys are a choking hazard for young children.

“Obviously if one of our contractors is using children to assemble toys in our supply chain we will investigate immediately.

“We’re delighted that our contractor is offering poor Romanian children a chance to stand on their own two feet, or in the case of the youngsters, crawl.

“But we must insist on a child-friendly working environment.”

The spokesman added: “Kids love chocolate, maybe they could mix up the chocolate instead? Or wrap the eggs in the shiny, shiny foil?

“The children could then use the 22p an hour they earn to buy age-appropriate toys, or to buy food for their starving families, or whatever.”

Trump to meet Queen ‘for interior decor advice’

The Queen is set to host incoming President Donald Trump for a formal summit next year, with discussions centring on questions of interior decor.

The Queen is to offer advice to Mr Trump on his number one priority for his first 100 days in office: “blinging up the White House”

A Palace spokesman said: “Her Majesty’s style is to cover all surfaces with either gold or with pictures of herself and her relatives.

“Mr Trump apparently sees her as a great inspiration.”

The Duke of Edinburgh will attend the meetings, advising the new President on the correct racial epithets to use against varying national populations on official trips.

The President Elect praised Queen Elizabeth on Twitter, writing:

“Howsabout that Queen? Gold house, gold clothes, gold hat. There’s a lady with style! What is protocol on where you can grab a Queen?”

Mr Trump’s advisers indicated that the Queen would be advising the President on two other key issues:

1) how to retain affection among working people despite decorating your house at their expense while literally wearing a crown; and

2) where to buy a crown.

Trump claims credit for sunrise

Donald Trump today claimed credit for making the sun rise over America, following discussions with the Japanese Prime Minister.
Trump took to Twitter, saying: “Great conversation this morning with President Shihtzu Abe from Japan – land of the rising sun.
“Mr Abe agreed to allow sun to rise over USA, not divert to Vanuatu. Great success! Personal vote of confidence in me”
He continued: “Awesome power of sun’s rays will shine light and allow us to hunt for fossil fuels to burn for energy – industry of the future.”
An anonymous member of Mr Trump’s staff said: “He looked out of his window at the sunrise this morning, turned to one of his half-naked offspring and said: ‘I did that.’
“At first we thought it was a metaphor for a bright new American dawn or something, but no. He really thinks he’s done a trade deal with Japan to ensure the sun comes up over the horizon each day.
“We’re not quite sure what he’s agreed to give them in return, but the plans for one of our latest-generation nuclear warheads were sitting in the fax machine this morning.”
Mr Trump’s victory over the forces of the night was immediately hailed by his supporters on twitter.
One supporter, @NukeTibet, wrote: “Great job kicking the moon out of America sir! #MAGA”.
Another, @HatesWomen1939, posted a meme of Trump bending over, with the sun shining out of his anus and illuminating a cartoon of a racist frog.
Tokyo declined to comment on the deal, but reporters at the Japanese embassy in Washington reported a large order of saké entering the building, to the sounds of stifled giggling.

BBC criticised for “disrespectful” Halloween poppies

The BBC became embroiled in a fresh row yesterday, after newsreaders were seen wearing remembrance poppies on Halloween.

Daily Mail columnist Nigel Cross wrote: “Halloween is a day when people typically put on ridiculous fancy dress.

“For example, the Mail editor Paul Dacre came to work as a red-faced, screeching banshee, while Theresa May makes a very convincing Zombie Margaret Thatcher.

“Wearing poppies on Halloween reduces them to the status of fancy dress and demeans the solemn message of the poppy – that it’s sad when people die in wars, but also really, really good when we win them.”

Mr Cross, whose newspaper is a direct rival to the BBC but always reports on them in a fair and balanced way, continued: “Wearing poppies on Halloween just shows how much the BBC hates Britain.

“It’s almost as bad as the lack of respect last year, when on 31 October – just 12 days before armistice day – BBC presenters weren’t wearing poppies at all.”

A spokeswoman for the BBC apologised profusely to anyone offended by either the wearing or non-wearing of a small red paper flower, and offered to immolate Mary Berry inside a giant wicker poppy as penance.

Experts condemn proposed ‘arsehole tests’ for MPs

Proposed tests to check if MPs are talking out of their arseholes would be “invasive, humiliating and inconclusive”, according to the British Society of Proctologists.

The proposal came after Conservative MP David Davies called for dental tests to check the ages of child refugees, a demand that onlookers said seemed to come from the vicinity of Mr Davies’ anus.

Michael Mola, a dentist from Otley, said: “I’m not an expert on that end of the body, but Davies definitely seemed to be talking through his mudchute. I demand an immediate examination of all Members of Parliament.

“Some might say that invasively testing the fudgetunnel of every single MP on the basis of just my opinion would be massively unethical and inappropriate.

“But MPs are a fairly small group, demonised by the press. So collectively humiliating them all based on a few crass, uninformed generalisations would probably get strong public support.”

Proctologists are “vehemently opposed” to the proposed test, which would involve a microphone being inserted into the rectum of every Member of Parliament.

MPs would then be asked whether refugees from war-torn hellholes could be temporarily housed in one of their spare homes. The MPs’ embarrassed excuses would be recorded and tested to see which orifice they came from.

Mr Davies’ original demand for child refugee testing, roundly condemned by dentists, was believed to be inspired by jealousy of his near-namesake David Davis.

A Westminster insider said “Everyone knows David Davis as ‘that lying Brexit prick’. No-one had heard of David Davies, but now we all know him as ‘that braying prick who bullies orphaned refugees’. Publicity-wise, it’s a tremendous result for him.”