Hospitals are introducing stringent new identity checks, with patients asked to prove the nationality of all four grandparents before treatment.
The move is aimed at preventing anyone who is even a bit foreign from being treated at a British hospital and potentially receiving a transfusion of pure British blood.
A Health Department official said: “People turn up at hospitals with their leg hanging off or whatever, but what happens if their grandmother was Italian?
“That leg could be an Italian leg, and giving a fully British transfusion would dilute our national bloodline. What would the soldiers who fought at Monte Cassino say?”
“Then there’s maternity. If we don’t know who’s being born here, we could end up putting pure British blood into a part-foreign child.
“No, these so-called expectant mothers can dig a pit and fill it with moss and give birth there, like I assume their grandparents in some godforsaken un-British hole did.”
In a separate development, Muslims and Jews will be asked to identify themselves in hospitals by wearing armbands with crescents or stars sewn on, and will receive transfusions from separate blood banks.
An NHS spokesman described the move as “not at all sinister or Hitlery, just an extension of our existing transfusion policy for Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Anti-discrimination campaigner and leftie luvvie wuss Samantha Softie said: “This is appalling. Hospitals are supposed to treat people according to need, not nationality.
“Besides, under these plans barely any NHS employees would actually be eligible for treatment in their own hospitals.”
The Health Department official responded by narrowing her eyes, writing a name on a piece of paper and muttering: “Sounds like shifty foreigner talk…”