Experts condemn proposed ‘arsehole tests’ for MPs

Proposed tests to check if MPs are talking out of their arseholes would be “invasive, humiliating and inconclusive”, according to the British Society of Proctologists.

The proposal came after Conservative MP David Davies called for dental tests to check the ages of child refugees, a demand that onlookers said seemed to come from the vicinity of Mr Davies’ anus.

Michael Mola, a dentist from Otley, said: “I’m not an expert on that end of the body, but Davies definitely seemed to be talking through his mudchute. I demand an immediate examination of all Members of Parliament.

“Some might say that invasively testing the fudgetunnel of every single MP on the basis of just my opinion would be massively unethical and inappropriate.

“But MPs are a fairly small group, demonised by the press. So collectively humiliating them all based on a few crass, uninformed generalisations would probably get strong public support.”

Proctologists are “vehemently opposed” to the proposed test, which would involve a microphone being inserted into the rectum of every Member of Parliament.

MPs would then be asked whether refugees from war-torn hellholes could be temporarily housed in one of their spare homes. The MPs’ embarrassed excuses would be recorded and tested to see which orifice they came from.

Mr Davies’ original demand for child refugee testing, roundly condemned by dentists, was believed to be inspired by jealousy of his near-namesake David Davis.

A Westminster insider said “Everyone knows David Davis as ‘that lying Brexit prick’. No-one had heard of David Davies, but now we all know him as ‘that braying prick who bullies orphaned refugees’. Publicity-wise, it’s a tremendous result for him.”

Young people investigate possibility of rejoining EU ‘when all the old bastards are dead’

People under 40, who overwhelmingly supported remaining in the EU, are today looking into the possibility of rejoining Europe ‘once all the old bastards are dead’.

Younger voters were much less likely to vote Leave, meaning they now face an isolated future they rejected, chosen for them by angry, frightened older people who won’t be around to see it.

Young person, Chantelle Wilkins (19), said: “It’s, like, totally unfair, y’know?”

“We already know what old people think about people from ethnic minorities. It’s why my boyfriend will never meet my grandma.

“Old people have given us a future we don’t want, but they’ll be long gone before Andrea Leadsom has even opened her first concentration camp.

“We’re going to have to wait ‘til the old people are all dead, then have a word with the EU to see if they’d take us back.”

Ms Wilkins added: “Honestly, it makes me wish I’d got round to actually voting. Only it was wet outside and I didn’t have the right shoes, and I wanted to watch Love Island to see who got tossed off. Tossed off the show, I mean! Hahahaha! Ha?”

Gleeful old bastard Ernest Grumbler (87) said: “This result is bloomin’ marvellous.

“I was fed up seeing all these young, happy types enjoying freedom of movement while I can’t bend down to tie my shoelaces.

“Then there’s all the foreigners, they’ve either got too many vowels in their names or not enough. It was time to do something about them.

“Now I intend to hang around a couple more years and enjoy watching everything go properly to shit, then I’ll die just before they send all my care workers back to Poland.

“I’m just happy I’ve finally got my country back. Though I’ve already put it down somewhere and can’t remember where I left it.”

Historians row over ‘which politician is most like Caesar’

Roman experts are engaged in a fierce battle over the use of Julius Caesar for political metaphor.

Mary Weird, Professor of Really Old Stuff at Cambridge, said: “Corbyn is clearly Caesar.

“He’s been stabbed in broad daylight by all his former friends and allies, who say they’re doing it for the greater good.

“The only difference is his rivals forgot to let him conquer an empire first. He even has the initials JC.

“Presumably headline writers are waiting for Ken Livingstone to betray him too, so they can do an ‘Et tu Newtus’ headline.”

Simon Shwarma, Professor of Ages Ago at Oxford, disagrees.

“Boris is clearly Caesar, the imagery is all there. He crossed the Rubicon to oppose Cameron, he led a victorious European campaign and then was assassinated by his closest ally.

“Boris is a classicist, he’d get this stuff. And he looks like he’s partial to the odd imperial banquet and orgy too.”

Non-classicist Bob Jenkins of the Eight Bells offered a compromise: “They can’t both be Caesar, one of them’s got to be the Gauls.

“So Johnson can be Oborix – an overweight, vain egotist in stripy trousers. For some reason he’s been invincible since birth despite always doing stupid stuff.”

“Gove can be Asterprix – a twitchy short-arse who’s always sulking or looking for a fight.

“The two of them have been running around offering everyone ‘magic potion’ to make everything better, but now they’ve fallen out.

“I’m no expert, but this is exactly like that famous time in history where everyone in the little village got jealous of each other and their eyes went all green.

“Still, that magic potion they promised should turn up any day now and everything will be fine.”