A new penis-recognition security feature will be added to the next generation of nuclear launch buttons, according to manufacturers.
A spokesman for Acme Doomsday, makers of apocalyptic end-user systems since 1950, said:
“The world has changed, and our products have changed with it. Strategic nuclear diplomacy has changed from an international game of chess to a game of Soggy Biscuit.
“It’s hard to imagine Eisenhower or Khruschev discussing a pre-emptive nuclear strike with their dicks out.
“But today, it’s almost inconceivable that a leader would be pressing the nuclear button without his cock in the other hand.
“Penises are as unique as fingerprints or irises, so if we’re going to be vaporised at the whim of a willy-waggling manchild, we at Acme will ensure it’s the right manchild, waggling the right willy.”
The days of a simple big red nuclear button on a leader’s desk are long gone, and penis-recognition will supplement existing security features.
These include a sensor to catch and analyse tears, and software programmed to recognise a world leader’s voice screaming the phrase “WHO’S A USELESS WASTE OF SPACE NOW, DADDY?!?”
Additional security measures were initially introduced in 1983, after Ronald Reagan was found resting a coffee mug on his launch button.
A subsequent CIA report found that an extra spoonful of sugar in Reagan’s morning brew would have added enough weight to obliterate Stockholm.
When asked what would happen if a female leader wanted to plunge the world into radioactive hell to assuage a minor bruise to a fragile ego, the Acme spokesman said the company was “not considering that possibility”.
The new penis-enabled nuclear buttons will be in use from 2019, assuming we make it that far.