Nuclear buttons to get penis-recognition feature

A new penis-recognition security feature will be added to the next generation of nuclear launch buttons, according to manufacturers.

A spokesman for Acme Doomsday, makers of apocalyptic end-user systems since 1950, said:

“The world has changed, and our products have changed with it. Strategic nuclear diplomacy has changed from an international game of chess to a game of Soggy Biscuit.

“It’s hard to imagine Eisenhower or Khruschev discussing a pre-emptive nuclear strike with their dicks out.

“But today, it’s almost inconceivable that a leader would be pressing the nuclear button without his cock in the other hand.

“Penises are as unique as fingerprints or irises, so if we’re going to be vaporised at the whim of a willy-waggling manchild, we at Acme will ensure it’s the right manchild, waggling the right willy.”

The days of a simple big red nuclear button on a leader’s desk are long gone, and penis-recognition will supplement existing security features.

These include a sensor to catch and analyse tears, and software programmed to recognise a world leader’s voice screaming the phrase “WHO’S A USELESS WASTE OF SPACE NOW, DADDY?!?”

Additional security measures were initially introduced in 1983, after Ronald Reagan was found resting a coffee mug on his launch button.

A subsequent CIA report found that an extra spoonful of sugar in Reagan’s morning brew would have added enough weight to obliterate Stockholm.

When asked what would happen if a female leader wanted to plunge the world into radioactive hell to assuage a minor bruise to a fragile ego, the Acme spokesman said the company was “not considering that possibility”.

The new penis-enabled nuclear buttons will be in use from 2019, assuming we make it that far.

Trump to meet Queen ‘for interior decor advice’

The Queen is set to host incoming President Donald Trump for a formal summit next year, with discussions centring on questions of interior decor.

The Queen is to offer advice to Mr Trump on his number one priority for his first 100 days in office: “blinging up the White House”

A Palace spokesman said: “Her Majesty’s style is to cover all surfaces with either gold or with pictures of herself and her relatives.

“Mr Trump apparently sees her as a great inspiration.”

The Duke of Edinburgh will attend the meetings, advising the new President on the correct racial epithets to use against varying national populations on official trips.

The President Elect praised Queen Elizabeth on Twitter, writing:

“Howsabout that Queen? Gold house, gold clothes, gold hat. There’s a lady with style! What is protocol on where you can grab a Queen?”

Mr Trump’s advisers indicated that the Queen would be advising the President on two other key issues:

1) how to retain affection among working people despite decorating your house at their expense while literally wearing a crown; and

2) where to buy a crown.

Trump claims credit for sunrise

Donald Trump today claimed credit for making the sun rise over America, following discussions with the Japanese Prime Minister.
Trump took to Twitter, saying: “Great conversation this morning with President Shihtzu Abe from Japan – land of the rising sun.
“Mr Abe agreed to allow sun to rise over USA, not divert to Vanuatu. Great success! Personal vote of confidence in me”
He continued: “Awesome power of sun’s rays will shine light and allow us to hunt for fossil fuels to burn for energy – industry of the future.”
An anonymous member of Mr Trump’s staff said: “He looked out of his window at the sunrise this morning, turned to one of his half-naked offspring and said: ‘I did that.’
“At first we thought it was a metaphor for a bright new American dawn or something, but no. He really thinks he’s done a trade deal with Japan to ensure the sun comes up over the horizon each day.
“We’re not quite sure what he’s agreed to give them in return, but the plans for one of our latest-generation nuclear warheads were sitting in the fax machine this morning.”
Mr Trump’s victory over the forces of the night was immediately hailed by his supporters on twitter.
One supporter, @NukeTibet, wrote: “Great job kicking the moon out of America sir! #MAGA”.
Another, @HatesWomen1939, posted a meme of Trump bending over, with the sun shining out of his anus and illuminating a cartoon of a racist frog.
Tokyo declined to comment on the deal, but reporters at the Japanese embassy in Washington reported a large order of saké entering the building, to the sounds of stifled giggling.