Tag: Spoof news

Chilcotte report criticises Richard the Lionheart

Richard the Lionheart has been strongly criticised by the Chilcotte Report into the Third Crusade.

Sir John Chilcotte’s report, which has taken 820 years to produce and runs to 436,000 sheets of parchment, says King Richard failed to make a case for invasion.

“There was no evidence to support Richard’s claim that Saladin was building a ‘bloody massive catapult’ in the desert,” the report states.

“There was, however, plenty of evidence to show that the Crusade was a preconceived war of aggression, for example in the Pope’s announcement: ‘How’s about a Holy War to kill all the Muslims, huh? Benedictus Benedicat, yee-haw!'”

Chilcotte also criticises Richard for not preparing for the Crusade’s aftermath,  and the Middle East’s inevitable descent into eight centuries of interfaith slaughter.

Campaigner Julia Scones welcomed the report on behalf of her anti-war ancestor, Egbert the Muckraker.

“This report vindicates everything Egbert was saying, it’s just a tragedy he died a mere eight centuries before it was published.

“Egbert had such a big heart. We know this because it was ripped, still-beating from his chest by an angry mob denouncing him as a traitor to King and God.”

Others are angry that the report took so long to produce. Dave Jenkins’ ancestor Geoffrey the Massive Target was killed by an arrow during the siege of Jaffa.

Dave said: “Geoffrey died over 800 years ago. How can it have taken this long to find out why?

“Of course King Richard will get away scot free, having been dead for centuries. I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about this. Is there, err, is there any chance of compensation?”

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Osborne ‘could be up to all manner of evil right now’

Political experts have warned that the Chancellor George Osborne could be using the post-Brexit chaos to get away with “some truly unspeakable shit.”

On Friday, the Chancellor quietly shelved his plan for a budget surplus by 2020, abandoning the entire basis for the last six years of punishing austerity.

When journalists barely seemed to notice, Mr Osborne announced plans to restore the country’s finances by making big businesses pay even less in corporation tax.

Political analyst Philbert Henkle fears that this will have emboldened the Chancellor.

“Everyone’s obsessed with the soap opera of Michael betraying Boris, and whether Angela will evict Jeremy.

“Everything else gets in under the radar. Who knows what horrors Osborne will try to get away with next?”

Rumours over the weekend suggested that forced labour camps have sprung up outside shattered former industrial towns, with unemployed people rounded up to work on Mr Osborne’s ‘Northern Powerhouse’.

Meanwhile, reports emerged of artists, writers and Guardian journalists being executed in an impromptu killing field in Shoreditch Park, overseen by a terrifying figure in a hi-vis jacket.

Another pundit, who did not want to be named for fear of reprisals, said: “This is just the beginning.

“If the crisis continues into winter, expect Osborne to realise his long-held dream of heating the homes of Tory pensioners by burning disabled people for fuel.

“Watch him. Fear him. Watch his hands, not his face. And never look directly into his eyes. They’re just empty holes into the bleak void that lies behind.”

Mr Osborne was contacted for comment, but did not respond. Probably because he was dislocating his jaw in an attempt to swallow a newborn baby whole.

Posted on by jonnalism 0