Smith and Eagle to form “Smeagle” alliance

Former Labour leadership candidate Angela Eagle has announced she is to join forces with Owen Smith and campaign together under the name ‘Smeagle’.

Political analyst Andrew Marragorn said: “It’s an epic tale.

“Smeagle is driven by a burning desire to retrieve the Labour leadership, which has accidentally ended up in the hands of a mild-mannered hobbit called Bilbo Corbins.

“Corbins is one of the little people – he was never supposed to wield power like this, and he doesn’t know how to control it.

At a press conference, Eagle said: “As Smeagle, we will retain two distinct voices. Owen will frolic around gaining people’s trust, being suspiciously friendly and telling everyone what they want to hear.

“I will sneak around in the darkness, doing underhand things like registering campaign websites several days before I regretfully resign on principle.”

Eagle then hissed at the four journalists who had actually turned up, before crouching on the floor, eating a fish and muttering “fifth collum, collum, collum”.

Smith and Eagle hope to unite the centre and right wings of the Labour party under the slogan “One wing to rule them all”, while protecting the leadership from both the Dark Lord Blairon and the bloodthirsty creatures of Mor-mentum.

Should Smeagle’s campaign to unseat Corbins prove unsuccessful, a concession speech is already believed to have been drafted:

“The precious! The Corbins stole it from us! Thief! Thief! We hates it forever!!!”

Historians row over ‘which politician is most like Caesar’

Roman experts are engaged in a fierce battle over the use of Julius Caesar for political metaphor.

Mary Weird, Professor of Really Old Stuff at Cambridge, said: “Corbyn is clearly Caesar.

“He’s been stabbed in broad daylight by all his former friends and allies, who say they’re doing it for the greater good.

“The only difference is his rivals forgot to let him conquer an empire first. He even has the initials JC.

“Presumably headline writers are waiting for Ken Livingstone to betray him too, so they can do an ‘Et tu Newtus’ headline.”

Simon Shwarma, Professor of Ages Ago at Oxford, disagrees.

“Boris is clearly Caesar, the imagery is all there. He crossed the Rubicon to oppose Cameron, he led a victorious European campaign and then was assassinated by his closest ally.

“Boris is a classicist, he’d get this stuff. And he looks like he’s partial to the odd imperial banquet and orgy too.”

Non-classicist Bob Jenkins of the Eight Bells offered a compromise: “They can’t both be Caesar, one of them’s got to be the Gauls.

“So Johnson can be Oborix – an overweight, vain egotist in stripy trousers. For some reason he’s been invincible since birth despite always doing stupid stuff.”

“Gove can be Asterprix – a twitchy short-arse who’s always sulking or looking for a fight.

“The two of them have been running around offering everyone ‘magic potion’ to make everything better, but now they’ve fallen out.

“I’m no expert, but this is exactly like that famous time in history where everyone in the little village got jealous of each other and their eyes went all green.

“Still, that magic potion they promised should turn up any day now and everything will be fine.”