Rugby princes

Another sketch update this week. I’m not sure if this one made the final script stage at Newsjack or not – something I submitted did, but it could have been one of the one-liner jokes submitted instead. Either way, it didn’t make the final edit so here it is for posterity:

ANNOUNCER: At Wales’ Rugby World Cup victory over England on Saturday, much was made of the body language between Prince William, who supported Wales, and Prince Harry, supporting England. As if at the final whistle Harry was saying “First primogeniture, and now this.” But the feud between the Princes had its roots in the days before the match…


WILLIAM: Borrow dar. Borrow dar. Come roo.


WILLIAM: Oh, hi Kate. Just brushing up on the old Welshish before the big game. Come roo. Liddle widdle gog… blimey! You’d need a second chin to get your mouth round some of these

KATE: One would be a start. Why are you pretending to be Welsh?

WILLIAM: I’m as Welsh as leeks, ‘boyo’! Actually, Pater just said one of us should identify some kelp. Apparently Welsh people eat seaweed.

KATE: [SIGHS] Are you sure he didn’t want you to identify as a Celt?

WILLIAM: What’s that song I’ll need to sing?

KATE: Land of My Fathers.

WILLIAM: Good-ho! I’ll take off the plural on Father, then it’s technically true. Jolly good of them to organise that for me. Borrow dar…


HARRY: What’s happening bro!? Getting ready for your boyos to lose and England to win? Ha! Burn! Classic Hazza! Hashtag banter!

WILLIAM: Yeah? Well, err, that’s what you think, because we’re totally going to beat your bunch of… actually I’ll not be rude, I probably went to school with half of them.

HARRY: You’re going to be crying all the way back to…what’s that dreadful little town on the north coast?

KATE: Rhyl?

HARRY: You bet, I’m totes for rill! ‘Cry God for Harry, England and Saint George!’ The Bart wrote that you know. Bart Simpson.

KATE: Bloody hell.

WILLIAM: Yeah well, err… Kate and I will be crying ‘God for Wales, Willy and the Dragon!’ Won’t we darling?

KATE: Whales, willy and a dragon sounds like a very impractical underwater orgy.

HARRY: I don’t care, as long as I get to charge in, chase a dragon and ride a fine filly! Hashtag saucy! Well I’ll see you losers tomorrow, when I get to sing God Save Granny very loud, and you have to be Corbyn! Ha! That really is top class hashtag Hazzabantz.

KATE: Harry, why do you speak in hashtags all the time, can’t you just get it out of your system and go on twitter?

HARRY: Not allowed. Grandma says if I get a twitter account she says the whole monarchy will be done within a week. The proles aren’t ready for this royal jelly! Hashtag boom!

FX: DOOR SLAMS           


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