Nuclear buttons to get penis-recognition feature

A new penis-recognition security feature will be added to the next generation of nuclear launch buttons, according to manufacturers.

A spokesman for Acme Doomsday, makers of apocalyptic end-user systems since 1950, said:

“The world has changed, and our products have changed with it. Strategic nuclear diplomacy has changed from an international game of chess to a game of Soggy Biscuit.

“It’s hard to imagine Eisenhower or Khruschev discussing a pre-emptive nuclear strike with their dicks out.

“But today, it’s almost inconceivable that a leader would be pressing the nuclear button without his cock in the other hand.

“Penises are as unique as fingerprints or irises, so if we’re going to be vaporised at the whim of a willy-waggling manchild, we at Acme will ensure it’s the right manchild, waggling the right willy.”

The days of a simple big red nuclear button on a leader’s desk are long gone, and penis-recognition will supplement existing security features.

These include a sensor to catch and analyse tears, and software programmed to recognise a world leader’s voice screaming the phrase “WHO’S A USELESS WASTE OF SPACE NOW, DADDY?!?”

Additional security measures were initially introduced in 1983, after Ronald Reagan was found resting a coffee mug on his launch button.

A subsequent CIA report found that an extra spoonful of sugar in Reagan’s morning brew would have added enough weight to obliterate Stockholm.

When asked what would happen if a female leader wanted to plunge the world into radioactive hell to assuage a minor bruise to a fragile ego, the Acme spokesman said the company was “not considering that possibility”.

The new penis-enabled nuclear buttons will be in use from 2019, assuming we make it that far.

When Terri met Donny

This afternoon, Theresa May becomes the first world leader to meet Donald Trump. It feels horribly like Chamberlain meeting Hitler in 1938, but let’s be optimistic. Two people, seemingly complete opposites, forced together by circumstance. If nothing else, it has all the makings of a classic rom-com:


VOICEOVER:           She was a strait-laced English vicar’s daughter who’d stepped in to help her country. He was a loudmouthed American billionaire who’d barged in to help himself. When he asked her to meet in Washington, she thought: “summit’s up!”

TERRI:                       Actually, I find wordplay a bit frivolous…

VOICEOVER:           Terri was an ordinary woman, with an extraordinary dream.

ADVISOR:                 Prime Minister, how can you hope to make an advantageous trade deal with someone who says he’ll only ever think of American interests?

TERRI:                       There must be some part of him capable of pity. He spent 20 minutes with Michael Gove without vomiting!

VOICEOVER:           Donny was an extraordinary man, with some extraordinary habits.

DONNY:                    Come in, sit down, take a chair. No, don’t sit on the bed, it’s, ah… it’s been raining.

VOICEOVER:           Donny couldn’t stop lying.

DONNY:                    Terri, I’m the best truth-teller. When I tell the truth, people say it’s unbelievable, completely unbelievable.

VOICEOVER:           Terri couldn’t answer a straight question.

TERRI:                       As I keep saying: questions are questions and answers are answers and my answer will be the most appropriate answer to the question, when it is answered.

VOICEOVER:           So when Terri met Donny, there were always going to be fireworks.

TERRI:                       Yes, I’m sorry about that, the Ministry of Defence have promised next time they’ll point it the other way.

DONNY:                    I once said the exact same thing to a Miss World contestant.

VOICEOVER:           When Terri Met Donny is a story of two incompatible people with incompatible goals. Featuring what’s already being described as the most nauseating gross-out scene in movie history:

TERRI:                       I’m not faking a you-know-what. I’m sorry, I just won’t.

DONNY:                    You want this trade deal dontcha?

TERRI:                       I can’t do it in the restaurant!

DONNY:                    Think of England.

MUSIC:                    MUSIC STOPS

TERRI:                       Urgh… [Enunciating clearly] Em. Emhem. Emhemhemhem. Emhemhemhemhemhemhem. Oh my goodness. Goodness gracious me. Golly gosh, that really was exemplary. [Exasperated] Now will you please sign that trade deal.

DONNY:                    What trade deal?

MUSIC:                    MUSIC RESTARTS

VOICEOVER:           You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll laugh to stop yourself from crying, then cry anyway. When Terri Met Donny, opens in Washington on Friday, rated R. I’m sorry, that’s rated “Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh!!”